STORIES OF SURVIVAL
When you realize, you are in an abusive relationship, you ask yourself, “why and how did I get here?” Much of our actions come from thought processes that have been ingrained within us since childhood. I accepted less than and tolerated more than as far back as I can remember. Other people mattered more to me than I mattered to myself. As a teenager, I would allow boys to say inappropriate comments to me or coerce me into inappropriate behavior even though I felt uncomfortable. The underlying basis for abuse is about power and control.
Fast forward to my life as an adult. I got married at 19 despite the fact that the man I was marrying was verbally abusive our entire courtship. I reasoned with myself that he would change once we got married. We got married, but the relationship got worse NOT better. He became physically and psychologically abusive. I would plead with him and have sleepless nights feeling unworthy.
The Cycle Continues
After I got out of that marriage, I entered into another relationship; with an obsessive controller – another type of abuser. I thought he loved me because he was so passionate. I spent the next four years with a man telling me where to go, what to do, who to talk to, etc. etc.
Survival
Where am I today; despite the tumultuous journey, I am here alive and well!!! I have forgiven my abusers and I have forgiven myself. I realized and became aware of my imperfections of accepting and tolerating less than. Not blaming myself or making an excuse for my abusers, I realized it was about me understanding and recognizing my self-worth. Being responsible and self-realization is the first step. Secondly, I took action to change my actions! I began to focus on all that is great about me and less on the negative past. The only thing I give thought to about the past is the lesson. How does this lesson teach and serve me for a better future. I celebrate my beauty, my intelligence, my resilience, my strength, my spirit and so much more. Maybe that’s what was missing from my childhood; affirmation. But I get to reaffirm myself in my adulthood. I take the time to connect with people, honestly and openly. “When people tell you or show you who they are, believe them the first time!”(Mya Angelo). If that person is violent and abusive, then I safely remove myself from that person’s presence. I align myself with people who support me, my goals and vision for my life. I am not perfect. This growth is every day! I choose everything about my life with no judgment. I do make every effort to choose wisely based on knowledge and discernment. But, every day that I wake up, I get another opportunity to choose.
– Pauline Noel, Founder, The Gateway to Change
The Gateway to Change 